Bli ayin hara

Just a quick update - it seems after a tremendous amount of tefilla (I am sure all your good wishes helped) - and some consultations, we seem to have the nidda situation under control. Thank you all so much for your concern, advice, and good wishes...Now we just have to daven for the baby ( and my sanity :) ) Another 6 or so months of testing my bitachon...

I guess I am not a good actress

So - my kids figured out the password to our computer. My husband changed it and added in a password hint. My daughter comes into the kitchen while I am making dinner and says "Daddy made the password hint Mommy's Body". I am thinking - Now what did he do.... Then she says "So I tried Sick and I tried Tired but they didn't work!"

So much for keeping and upbeat attitude and not letting my kids see how I am feeling...

I went to check the hint myself and say it said Mommy's Bday - So I guess I was wrong about my kids being able to read English.

2 images shattered at once....

It's all in the attitude

After hearing a shiur by R' Lazer Brody, Reb. Sima Spetner, and R' Michael Laseri -I have been thinking. All of them talk about attitude, and the woman's ability to influence the feeling in the home. Whether it is towards the children or her husband. When the Mommy in the house is upbeat it makes the house a more pleasant place to be. I know that I have not been the epitome of upbeat cheer these past couple of months. Now I am really trying, but my energy level is so low. I am sure my kids are sick of seeing mommy in bed again. My daughter even asked if I have been sick so long - if I am sick with the same thing or if I have something new...

One of our wedding wishes on the video was "A happy wife is a happy life (he then continues with "if you take out the garbage the first night, it will become your job forever." but never mind) I know he was referring to the husband making the wife happy - but what if the wife is just happy on her own?

I have decided to try. really try. Trying to keep things upbeat - and take notice of the kids more. Not the I have been ignoring them - but probably not initiating conversation as much as I should have. I gave one kid a hug out of the blue and came to hug me back about 7 times over the following 2 hours. It made me realize how much I had been focusing on me and not them. I can't forget that I am their mommy. No one else can do that for me.

So along those same lines -I have been trying to notice the cute things my kids do to help me focus on being positive. Here are a couple:

I was reading the news online and their was a picture of dancing with stars. My little son says "When I grow up, I want to dance and pick up a not tzanua girl." Well he totally caught me off guard - I did not even notice he was there. So my first response was - "No you dont - he's a goy" (remember first response - probably not what I would have said if I had a chance to think for a second.) To which he responds "ok, so when i grow up I want to be a goy that dances and pick up a not tzanua girl." Well from now on I wont be checking the news with my door open.

This can't really be appreciated fully unless you are in Israel - but my little daughter had a stomachache. And she was telling me that it was hurting her - with the cutest face she said "My Button hurts" - that is a cross between 'Beten' - hebrew for stomach, and belly button. I had to try not to laugh.

Now understand that pesach is coming and I have not started to clean yet. One week to go. So far I have vacummed the couches, it is better than nothing. But that in itself is a reason to be stressed. Or perhaps a reason to be happy. At least we have a place to sit on Pesach.

(For all those Flybabies - my 15 minutes of computer time are up - got to go do something else for 10 minutes...)

Have a good Shabbos.

Just a Quick Note

WOW! I never thought I would have this many readers leaving this many comments. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. And to you you big guys out there - thanks for linking to me. Dov Bear, Failedmassiah, raggedymom (Not too good at this html stuff yet to put in a link back - though you probably don't need one from me.)
Someone commented that blogging can be a great outlet. I am starting to agree - I have a smile on my face for the first time in weeks and I must say I fell like I have a whole new support group. You have my word that I will not *only* Kvetch here - though I can't promise that I won't at all. I will be back, bli neder, more than I have been. Thank you all again.

What does Hashem want from me?

Things have been strange. Trying to keep everything in perspective. I know in my heart that Hashem is in charge and all He does is for the best. And He can do whatever he wants - even against the laws of nature. Still it is hard not to try to understand the reason behind things that happen. And even harder to disregard what modern sceince has to say, in order to trust that Hashem knows what He is doing and has the power to change. The most recent and extreme example of this in my life is going on right now. I have difficulty concentrating on anything because of it. I doubt I will be finished cleaning for pesach by summertime.

BH I have a beautiful family. 6 great, though sometimes rambunctious kids. Each one is a challenge in their own way - like all children are I expect. There are those with the diagnosis and those without, but it does not matter how many therapists they may have , or may have not seen - they are all my kids with their own personalities, challenges, and ...suprises for me.

We have been (with a heter) spacing our beautiful children. After discovering how fertile we were ,we realized that we did not think that my body or personality would be able to handle a baby every 9 months. Since without intervention that is what would have happened, we asked and got a heter. Same method each time - after each kid- spacing them about 2 years apart give or take. Right now with a little one less than a year old, we were just continuing as planned. Not sure when we were going to be ready for another (if ever, honestly - but that was yet to be discussed), when Hashem decided to intervene. So it seems all those warnings that nothing is 100% are true, and now it seems number 7 is on the way. Though it is not as simple as it sounds- if it sounds simple. I am going to try to break this down to the main issues that are haunting me:

1. - Another kid?
My baby is still a baby! Sheesh - I am still nursing! -The house is always flying - I am barely coping with what I already have - though some days are better than others (and now I have an excuse or explanation for my recent exhaustion.) Man, I wasn't ready for this. But Hashem is sending us a life (the dr. offered to abort - but more on that later) - how can I be anything but thankful?

2. - How dare we plan?
What is Hashem saying here? Is He telling us off for trying to intervene ? - Is He showing us that He is all powerful and can do what He wants? Is this a punishment? Is it just a fact - He wanted us to have more so we will?

This can get more complicated - because it is high risk - and will be until I give birth - if something happens - Hashem put us through all this - and then nothing?


3. - High risk/Drs know everything?
So, another one on the way- but the way it turns out things are going to be bumpy for then next 9 months or so. The dr. says nothing you can do - because of the circumstances we wont know until it happens, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So just live you life and pray - bed rest wont help at all. You may have preterm labor - at anytime..10 weeks, 20 weeks, 30 weeks - we don't know.
Well, I accept what Hashem has sent me - but now I have to deal with this unknown until the last minute? I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone - even when I normally would, because I have no idea what is going to be.
I spoke to someone about this and he said that car mechanics know 35% more about their product that they work with , than doctors know about theirs. He said just daven and everything will be ok. Well, I know Hashem is capable - but who says that His plan includes a healthy, ontime delivery?

4.- nida forever

This perhaps seems the most trivial - but really just makes all the other issues worse. A side effect of my situtation is constant spotting. First of all this is just a sign that things aren't going right - a constant reminder of my situation and possible implications. Second of all - a big hug would probably do wonders for me right now.. and well that is just not going to happen - at least not in the forseeable future. I was practically begging our rav for some kind of way around this - some halachic loophole.. seems there is nothing to do. So I am doomed to this state for a while - maybe even a year...A WHOLE YEAR?? 9 months and 6 weeks postpartum -is that even possible?

I know I don't have much of a readership, but if anyone should happen by and has some advice/encouragement - I can do with whatever I can get.