Things have been strange. Trying to keep everything in perspective. I know in my heart that Hashem is in charge and all He does is for the best. And He can do whatever he wants - even against the laws of nature. Still it is hard not to try to understand the reason behind things that happen. And even harder to disregard what modern sceince has to say, in order to trust that Hashem knows what He is doing and has the power to change. The most recent and extreme example of this in my life is going on right now. I have difficulty concentrating on anything because of it. I doubt I will be finished cleaning for pesach by summertime.
BH I have a beautiful family. 6 great, though sometimes rambunctious kids. Each one is a challenge in their own way - like all children are I expect. There are those with the diagnosis and those without, but it does not matter how many therapists they may have , or may have not seen - they are all my kids with their own personalities, challenges, and ...suprises for me.
We have been (with a heter) spacing our beautiful children. After discovering how fertile we were ,we realized that we did not think that my body or personality would be able to handle a baby every 9 months. Since without intervention that is what would have happened, we asked and got a heter. Same method each time - after each kid- spacing them about 2 years apart give or take. Right now with a little one less than a year old, we were just continuing as planned. Not sure when we were going to be ready for another (if ever, honestly - but that was yet to be discussed), when Hashem decided to intervene. So it seems all those warnings that nothing is 100% are true, and now it seems number 7 is on the way. Though it is not as simple as it sounds- if it sounds simple. I am going to try to break this down to the main issues that are haunting me:
1. - Another kid?
My baby is still a baby! Sheesh - I am still nursing! -The house is always flying - I am barely coping with what I already have - though some days are better than others (and now I have an excuse or explanation for my recent exhaustion.) Man, I wasn't ready for this. But Hashem is sending us a life (the dr. offered to abort - but more on that later) - how can I be anything but thankful?
2. - How dare we plan?
What is Hashem saying here? Is He telling us off for trying to intervene ? - Is He showing us that He is all powerful and can do what He wants? Is this a punishment? Is it just a fact - He wanted us to have more so we will?
This can get more complicated - because it is high risk - and will be until I give birth - if something happens - Hashem put us through all this - and then nothing?
3. - High risk/Drs know everything?
So, another one on the way- but the way it turns out things are going to be bumpy for then next 9 months or so. The dr. says nothing you can do - because of the circumstances we wont know until it happens, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So just live you life and pray - bed rest wont help at all. You may have preterm labor - at anytime..10 weeks, 20 weeks, 30 weeks - we don't know.
Well, I accept what Hashem has sent me - but now I have to deal with this unknown until the last minute? I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone - even when I normally would, because I have no idea what is going to be.
I spoke to someone about this and he said that car mechanics know 35% more about their product that they work with , than doctors know about theirs. He said just daven and everything will be ok. Well, I know Hashem is capable - but who says that His plan includes a healthy, ontime delivery?
4.- nida forever
This perhaps seems the most trivial - but really just makes all the other issues worse. A side effect of my situtation is constant spotting. First of all this is just a sign that things aren't going right - a constant reminder of my situation and possible implications. Second of all - a big hug would probably do wonders for me right now.. and well that is just not going to happen - at least not in the forseeable future. I was practically begging our rav for some kind of way around this - some halachic loophole.. seems there is nothing to do. So I am doomed to this state for a while - maybe even a year...A WHOLE YEAR?? 9 months and 6 weeks postpartum -is that even possible?
I know I don't have much of a readership, but if anyone should happen by and has some advice/encouragement - I can do with whatever I can get.