Bli ayin hara

Just a quick update - it seems after a tremendous amount of tefilla (I am sure all your good wishes helped) - and some consultations, we seem to have the nidda situation under control. Thank you all so much for your concern, advice, and good wishes...Now we just have to daven for the baby ( and my sanity :) ) Another 6 or so months of testing my bitachon...

I guess I am not a good actress

So - my kids figured out the password to our computer. My husband changed it and added in a password hint. My daughter comes into the kitchen while I am making dinner and says "Daddy made the password hint Mommy's Body". I am thinking - Now what did he do.... Then she says "So I tried Sick and I tried Tired but they didn't work!"

So much for keeping and upbeat attitude and not letting my kids see how I am feeling...

I went to check the hint myself and say it said Mommy's Bday - So I guess I was wrong about my kids being able to read English.

2 images shattered at once....

It's all in the attitude

After hearing a shiur by R' Lazer Brody, Reb. Sima Spetner, and R' Michael Laseri -I have been thinking. All of them talk about attitude, and the woman's ability to influence the feeling in the home. Whether it is towards the children or her husband. When the Mommy in the house is upbeat it makes the house a more pleasant place to be. I know that I have not been the epitome of upbeat cheer these past couple of months. Now I am really trying, but my energy level is so low. I am sure my kids are sick of seeing mommy in bed again. My daughter even asked if I have been sick so long - if I am sick with the same thing or if I have something new...

One of our wedding wishes on the video was "A happy wife is a happy life (he then continues with "if you take out the garbage the first night, it will become your job forever." but never mind) I know he was referring to the husband making the wife happy - but what if the wife is just happy on her own?

I have decided to try. really try. Trying to keep things upbeat - and take notice of the kids more. Not the I have been ignoring them - but probably not initiating conversation as much as I should have. I gave one kid a hug out of the blue and came to hug me back about 7 times over the following 2 hours. It made me realize how much I had been focusing on me and not them. I can't forget that I am their mommy. No one else can do that for me.

So along those same lines -I have been trying to notice the cute things my kids do to help me focus on being positive. Here are a couple:

I was reading the news online and their was a picture of dancing with stars. My little son says "When I grow up, I want to dance and pick up a not tzanua girl." Well he totally caught me off guard - I did not even notice he was there. So my first response was - "No you dont - he's a goy" (remember first response - probably not what I would have said if I had a chance to think for a second.) To which he responds "ok, so when i grow up I want to be a goy that dances and pick up a not tzanua girl." Well from now on I wont be checking the news with my door open.

This can't really be appreciated fully unless you are in Israel - but my little daughter had a stomachache. And she was telling me that it was hurting her - with the cutest face she said "My Button hurts" - that is a cross between 'Beten' - hebrew for stomach, and belly button. I had to try not to laugh.

Now understand that pesach is coming and I have not started to clean yet. One week to go. So far I have vacummed the couches, it is better than nothing. But that in itself is a reason to be stressed. Or perhaps a reason to be happy. At least we have a place to sit on Pesach.

(For all those Flybabies - my 15 minutes of computer time are up - got to go do something else for 10 minutes...)

Have a good Shabbos.

Just a Quick Note

WOW! I never thought I would have this many readers leaving this many comments. Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. And to you you big guys out there - thanks for linking to me. Dov Bear, Failedmassiah, raggedymom (Not too good at this html stuff yet to put in a link back - though you probably don't need one from me.)
Someone commented that blogging can be a great outlet. I am starting to agree - I have a smile on my face for the first time in weeks and I must say I fell like I have a whole new support group. You have my word that I will not *only* Kvetch here - though I can't promise that I won't at all. I will be back, bli neder, more than I have been. Thank you all again.

What does Hashem want from me?

Things have been strange. Trying to keep everything in perspective. I know in my heart that Hashem is in charge and all He does is for the best. And He can do whatever he wants - even against the laws of nature. Still it is hard not to try to understand the reason behind things that happen. And even harder to disregard what modern sceince has to say, in order to trust that Hashem knows what He is doing and has the power to change. The most recent and extreme example of this in my life is going on right now. I have difficulty concentrating on anything because of it. I doubt I will be finished cleaning for pesach by summertime.

BH I have a beautiful family. 6 great, though sometimes rambunctious kids. Each one is a challenge in their own way - like all children are I expect. There are those with the diagnosis and those without, but it does not matter how many therapists they may have , or may have not seen - they are all my kids with their own personalities, challenges, and ...suprises for me.

We have been (with a heter) spacing our beautiful children. After discovering how fertile we were ,we realized that we did not think that my body or personality would be able to handle a baby every 9 months. Since without intervention that is what would have happened, we asked and got a heter. Same method each time - after each kid- spacing them about 2 years apart give or take. Right now with a little one less than a year old, we were just continuing as planned. Not sure when we were going to be ready for another (if ever, honestly - but that was yet to be discussed), when Hashem decided to intervene. So it seems all those warnings that nothing is 100% are true, and now it seems number 7 is on the way. Though it is not as simple as it sounds- if it sounds simple. I am going to try to break this down to the main issues that are haunting me:

1. - Another kid?
My baby is still a baby! Sheesh - I am still nursing! -The house is always flying - I am barely coping with what I already have - though some days are better than others (and now I have an excuse or explanation for my recent exhaustion.) Man, I wasn't ready for this. But Hashem is sending us a life (the dr. offered to abort - but more on that later) - how can I be anything but thankful?

2. - How dare we plan?
What is Hashem saying here? Is He telling us off for trying to intervene ? - Is He showing us that He is all powerful and can do what He wants? Is this a punishment? Is it just a fact - He wanted us to have more so we will?

This can get more complicated - because it is high risk - and will be until I give birth - if something happens - Hashem put us through all this - and then nothing?


3. - High risk/Drs know everything?
So, another one on the way- but the way it turns out things are going to be bumpy for then next 9 months or so. The dr. says nothing you can do - because of the circumstances we wont know until it happens, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. So just live you life and pray - bed rest wont help at all. You may have preterm labor - at anytime..10 weeks, 20 weeks, 30 weeks - we don't know.
Well, I accept what Hashem has sent me - but now I have to deal with this unknown until the last minute? I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone - even when I normally would, because I have no idea what is going to be.
I spoke to someone about this and he said that car mechanics know 35% more about their product that they work with , than doctors know about theirs. He said just daven and everything will be ok. Well, I know Hashem is capable - but who says that His plan includes a healthy, ontime delivery?

4.- nida forever

This perhaps seems the most trivial - but really just makes all the other issues worse. A side effect of my situtation is constant spotting. First of all this is just a sign that things aren't going right - a constant reminder of my situation and possible implications. Second of all - a big hug would probably do wonders for me right now.. and well that is just not going to happen - at least not in the forseeable future. I was practically begging our rav for some kind of way around this - some halachic loophole.. seems there is nothing to do. So I am doomed to this state for a while - maybe even a year...A WHOLE YEAR?? 9 months and 6 weeks postpartum -is that even possible?

I know I don't have much of a readership, but if anyone should happen by and has some advice/encouragement - I can do with whatever I can get.

Hot lunch is served, or is it?

For years the boys have been taking 2 "lunches" to school. One for the morning break, and one for lunch. They almost never took a snack - even though they come home between 4 and 5 every day. The problem started when they decided that they didn't want to wash for one of these "meals" as the break also served as playtime. Washing and bentching just cut into that free time too much. They would then either take nothing - or just a corn shnitzel (which they insisted on heating up in the monring, but would only eat 4 hours later, when it would most certainly be cold). This resulted in some very hungry and crabby children arriving at home - vert close to dinner time wanting to eat "lunch". Very often insiting that I make again (if none was left) whatever I had served to the younger children earlier in the day. You see, I have the 3 and 5 year old who come home 15 minutes apart startving - along with the baby that is picked upand sneeds to nurse at the same time. Then the 11 year old comes home. Every day is a different time between 1:15 and 3:30. She is also "Starving" as she also only takes one thing - if that - and the one thing is often just a peice of bread.But we will leave her for now - this is about the boys. I end up serving lunch anywhere between 3 and 4 times a day.
When my younger son started school in the same building I had to walk a nd pick him up every day. I started seeing another mother or two that were carrying lunch to their children. Real lunches like chiken and rice, sometimes potatoes and pasta, and once I even saw pizza. Once I brought them hot chocolate on the first rain of the year when they had left their caots home and I had to bring those too - but never lunch every day. They asked in the beginning of the year - and I told him that that was really not necessary and that he could bring his own lunch in the morning like very other boy.
I tried unsuccessfully offering snacks, or having fruit or vegetables cut up on the table - anything to calm them down when they came home. - nothing worked.
I then discovered something that at the time seemed like a great idea. Some boys get an"ishur" to come home for lunch. Since we live 3 buildings away from the shcool - I thought we could try it. That would mean that I would only have to server lunch once on most days and twice on the others! - this was great news. The boys thought so too for about a week. They then realized that coming home took almost as much time if not more than washing and eating in shcool which they had already quit doing. So we came up with a "compromise" - and this is when I realized how smart and possibly manipulative they really were - I wouwld still make them lunch with everyone else - but I would make it before I picked up the little ones and I would drop it off on my way. Smart -no? They had me bringing hot lunch everyday - and me thinking this was all a good idea. Well there were still a few issues:
1 - What I brought up they needed to wash for most times - though I must admit they ate it without a fuss
and 2 - they still came home HUNGRY!!!
But then I would tell them that they already ate the same lunch as everyone else - and they could have a snack or wiat for dinner.
The latest problem started this week: The seven year old rejected what I brought - did not even look inside the foilf to see what I had prepared. I think he was shy to take it in front of his friends - and he was playing. I was ready to go home defeated and prepare for my famished son's arrival in a few hours, when the mefakeach spotted us. " What's this?" he asked. " His food? - he doesn't want to take his food" at which point all the boys had gathered - he called my son closer and said" your mother worked so hard and walked all the way here (3 buildings as I said before) and past the other school (same entrance) to bring you food to give you koach so you could learn Torah and you dont take it? - you have to come here and take it!" all with a big smile of course. My son came over and whispered in my ear that he didnt't want it - I told him it was ok - I thought he was going to cry.
Next day tried again - this time it was more complicated because I was running late and so I had to run back home to make the food and then come back up again - which I did and then again - he jsut told me he didn't want it - I could see he was in the middle of a vary physical game with his friends. OK. took it home and gave it to the younger ones.
Today was the worst so far. I went to bring him the food - he shrugged it off - all his friends told him he should take it - so I told then I was running up to his older brother and handed the food to the nearest kid - I told him to hold it and give it to my son soon.
After giving the food to my older son I headed backhome and passed the spot where they had been gathered. All the boys were shuffling their feet away from where they had been. I see my son with is head in his hands andhis food on his lap - alone where 7 boys had been. My son does not share in genereal - so I quickly stopped one of the shufflers and asked what happened - he said that another boy had put rocks in my son's mouth - well that did not sound very pleasant. He then pointed out that the mifakeach was on the phone a few feet away. I told the boy to go tell him what happened, and then ran the rest of the way to my son. He was crying and told me he was going home. I told him that he want going home - we had to tell the rebbe and he needed to stay in school. He looked at me - digested what I said - looked down at the food on his lap - got a look of horror on his face - threw the food to/at me and told me to leave. NOW!! or he was going to WHAT? - he started to throw rocks in my direction - though I dont think he was even aiming at me - he was just very upset and was tossing them in frustration. "Just go!" he said - glancing over his shoulder to see how close the mifakeach was. He was still talking on his phone - but he was walking towards us - so I decided there would be less of a scene if I left - so I did.
Later this evening - he told me he never asked for feed and he doesn't want me to bring anything to school.

Now what will tomorrow bring?

Here goes...recently heard

#1 - several hours after a mini pre 'birds and the bees' session:
1: So how does your body know that you are married?
M: You don't need to know that now.
1: No really - tell me - oh I know - It hears the music at the wedding, right?

#2 at the dinner table:
2: we eat with forks
and Chinese people eat with sticks
and Mexicans eat with..ummm SPOONS!

#3 - after M tells him it is time to cut his nails:
3: No don't cut my nails.
M: why?
3: because I have stuff in my hair (dandruff)
M: what does that have to do with your nails?
3: I need the nails to scratch!

#4 - out of the blue
4: when we have another baby we will have to get another mommy.
M: why?
4: to feed him.
M: Why can't I feed him?
4: (exasperated) because you are feeding '6'!

#5 - obsessed about recently turning three
5:: Where are we going?
M: to a party.
5: A party for me?
M: no - a party for a kallah.
5: a party for me a kalla?
M: no - you are not a kalla -silly.
5: why?

weird and painful

8:15 almost everyone is out of the house but #5 doesn't want to go to gan.

8:30 dressed #5 and then dressed the baby.

8:40 get#5 dressed again - she took off her clothes in protest

8:45 walk out the door with #5 and #6 - #5 wants to show the baby to her friends (again...we did this yesterday)
8:50 runs into class - so excited and tells me to leave - with #6 - weird

later....
1:00 - almost time to pick up the kids - a client comes in to approve work that he just sent - the exact same thing he just sent! - he basically drove over to make sure that the email I got was the email he sent - weird.

later
1:25 running out the door - collide with #4. he is running home - "oh great" - I tell him "go inside and take a cookie-I will be right back - gotta get #5 and #6"

1:26 "NO - I am hungry I want to eat now" and he follows me the whole way to pick up #5 and Then to pick up #6 " Don't be silly - it is hot out and yesterday you cried the whole way beacuse you were huingry - so go in and eat a cookie and rest I will be right back" "NO - I am coming with you!" - screaming and crying the whole way. - weirdo

1:30 Pick up #5 (wave to #2 on the way) and she is so proud of her project - it is a 'passport' - I look inside and the last name written in is not hers. Well this is not the first time the teachers seem to have mixed her up. - I show them and they say - oh yeah the other girl with the same name as your daughter's wasn't here today - so your daughter made 2 and she must have lost the other one. - oh so let me get this straight - you only get to do a project instead of your friend if you have the same first name? - weird

1:32 The teacher then calls out - "oh by the way your dughter was so cute today - her hair was done and she was so clean." - HUH? - weird -
and the whole time over the sounds of #4s crying...

1:36 #6 was glad to see me - and his caretaker said that she added banannas to his diet - oh thanks for asking - and now that she knows that he can tolerate 'real food' I can leave him with her for 3 days if I want. - 3 days? what? - weird

2:00 - I figure chocolate milk would cheer up the masses - #4 still crying - shnitzel in the microwave . always good for smile for #'s4 and 5- #4 still crying - one chocolate chip cookie for each - #4 still crying - tastes the shnitzel - chews swallows - ok so he stopped crying - throws it on the floor and says it is too cold - ok - needs a bit of a reprimand. Put the shnitzel back in the microwave...go to feed#6 - hey where is #5? - found her in the kitchen scooping chocolate milk powder out of the can into her mouth with her hands...weirdo

2:15 finally quiet - #4 goes outside to eat on the swing - #5 manages to trip and close the screen door on her finger at the same time.. ouch
- oh and more screaming..she's going to lose that nail.

later dinnertime

some unexpected guests and a bit of a 'buffet' - everyone eating something else. Time for bed so of course #4 wants what #3 made for himself - (cheese sandwich in the sandwich maker) - ok - but eat quick - sometimes you have to give in to that one...he practically lives on air - wait wasn't he crying in hunger this afternoon - oh nevermind.. the of course #5 wants it too - well she ate plenty already - so the answer was no.
3 minutes later..
screaming from the kitchen - very independant that one...she tried to make it herself..ouch

not really sure what happnend - but I was ready to walk out the door - hear a crash and a yell from the hallway - recognize DH and #3 and hear him say "he just lost a tooth" seems that there was some sort of collision - lots of screaming and a little blood - fat lip and one less tooth - ouch

Enough for one day!
may tomorrow be less weird- painful - and perhaps and bit quieter..

I finally did it

After many months of procrastination, I finally did it. My very own blog...stay tuned.